The other day I was perusing the interwebs, as many of us do to delay being a productive member of society. I was nipple deep into the social media vortex-time-warp-black-hole-can’t-find-my-way-out-where-the-hell-am-I that is the cornerstone of being a human in 2017 when I stumbled upon a video. It was one of those inspirational self-help guru guys telling the world how to be better at life. You know the type. He probably has kitschy catchphrases like “kick fear in the balls” or “live in the now” or “buy my e-book.” He’s got more Instagram followers than most B-list celebs and travels to Thailand far too often for a white guy. You know him. You’ve seen him.

In this particular video he was instructing his audience to “stop doubting yourself” and that “the only thing standing in your way is you” and to “let go of all your excuses.” He went on to talk about the necessity of ridding oneself of all doubt. According to him, doubt was very very no good. I was basically catatonic from the hours I had previously spent staring at my screen watching baby elephants during bath time and pondering the void within my soul. So I was pretty numb by the time Mr. Guru and his messaging popped up into my life.

Slowly I fell into a familiar pattern: intrigue followed by shame followed by despair. He got me hooked with his kitschy phrases and highly stylized video. Truthfully, part of me longed to be like him. He was “inspirational” and clearly held all the answers. Somehow he had managed to rid himself of doubt and look how happy he was! He had trillions of followers on all the social medias and had probably just returned from Thailand for the 900^th time that month.

My intrigue turned into shame because obviously I have doubt leaking out of my ears and I don’t know if I could find Thailand on a map. Shame on you, Patrick, you piece of human waste! Shame!

That shame morphed into despair as I realized there’s no way I’m ever going to get out of my own way and stop all the doubt. I’m also a master of excuses. In that moment I made excuses about all the excuses I make. Why bother with any of this because clearly I’m a lost cause?

As the video came to an end and I was on the verge of hitting the next piece of click-bait, I heard a small whisper (it was my pet ferret Charlie) saying, “This is crap. This dude and this message are crap.”

First of all, I didn’t even know Charlie could speak. Secondly, I’d like to offer up the disclaimer that I know approximately nothing about anything. If you follow a spiritual leader/self-help guru/Oprah and you gather comfort from them then keep on doing that. That’s what a teacher is supposed to do, teach and inspire. There are some spiritual masters that I like. For instance, I love me some Elizabeth Gilbert and Brené Brown (Liz and Bri-Bri as I call them).

What I have a problem with is the saturation of pseudo “masters” out there. Many of whom have acquired a mass following on social media. They tend to be attractive, shiny, have good skin, do lots of yoga, and over-use the word “manifest.” There’s nothing inherently wrong with this. I’m just painting you a picture.

Usually these “lifestyle consultants” got to their elevated state of enlightenment through detoxing, meditation, and acceptance. Awesome! No shame in that game. But I have questions. Like how do you have a dope AF loft in Santa Monica if all you do is meditate and why are you sponsored by a tea company and why are you 19 and why am I watching this video at 4 a.m. while eating a bowl of Velveeta Shells N’ Cheese in my 500 square foot apartment that basically hasn’t been cleaned since I moved in? (okay I guess it’s just one question)

Maybe I’m cynical but I think lots of these people produce content that presents itself as inspiring but actually does damage. When I stepped back and looked at this dude objectively, I noticed that he relied on common sales techniques. While these pseudo-gurus aren’t necessarily selling a product, they’re selling you a version of their life but calling it “the best version of your life.” And as with most sales, they must first create a problem and then provide the solution. Problem: you’re not as balanced and centered and contented as I am. Solution: be more balanced and centered and contented, you idiot.

Aside from the sticky nature of mixing spirituality with capitalism, I also have an issue with their presumed expertise. These folks are all over Instagram, YouTube, Facebook, Snapchat, Tinder, and Yelp telling everyone how to best live life. Excuse me? To stand in front of the world and claim that you know the answer to anything immediately makes me call bullshit. Yes, I’m a millennial so I instantly take issue with anyone who claims any type of authority ever. But, still, in terms of cognitive “wokeness” who died and made you Gandhi?

So I eventually came to the conclusion that this dude wasn’t for me. He’s probably helping other people live fuller lives, which is awesome, but I’m a horse of a different color. After that, I started to think about his position on doubt as well. “Rid yourself of doubt” blah blah blah. I had immediate involuntary resistance to that for two reasons. Reason one: he never goes on to say how. He’s just screaming at a world full of doubters to stop doubting. Stop doubting? That’s like telling a drowning person to just swim. That’s not exactly useful. Reason two: how do we know doubt is a bad thing?

Hear me out. Socially I think we’ve been conditioned to believe that strong people don’t doubt themselves and they stand firm in their convictions at all times. That’s a cool narrative but I don’t think it reflects reality. I also don’t like the idea of fighting against something that’s so innate in almost 100% of the human population. Spiritually, evolutionarily, and biologically speaking, why would it be there in the first place if we were meant to push back on it? That’s dumb. So then what’s the purpose? What are we to do with it?

Here’s my fully-fleshed-out-totally-not-spontaneous thesis on doubt (as of yesterday). Doubt gives us (and by “us” I mean “me” because I ain’t trying to talk for everybody) a space to reflect and settle into an idea or action. Should you doubt whether or not to do coke from a stranger you met in a Starbucks bathroom in Hell’s Kitchen? Yeah. You really should have a moment of doubt there. Doubt is nature’s way of preventing your impulsive self from wrecking havoc on your life. Overconfidence and rash behavior can be far more destructive than doubt. At least, it has been in my life.

I think sometimes the conversation itself about doubt stops prematurely. Doubts bubble up and we say, “Get away doubts. I don’t need you! Be gone!” For me, at the root of every uncertainty is actually a question. Am I loveable? Can I achieve my dreams? Is my work worthwhile? But guess what? Instead of telling those questions to simply go away and get out of your face, answer them! Answer them with deep and genuine honesty. Hell yes I’m loveable. Absolutely I can achieve my dreams (look at all the idiots out there who got theirs). Yes my work is worthwhile if I apply meaning to it.

So I think that’s what I’m going to do from now on. I’m going to use my doubts and insecurities rather than fight them. Fighting them has proven futile thus far. Instead, I’ll offer them an armistice of sorts. Every time one of you guys pops up (I’m talking to doubt right now), I will take the opportunity to reflect on whatever needs reflecting. Then I will answer the question that is hidden inside you. I will then thank you for presenting me with whatever gifts or wisdom you presented me with and be on my merry way. At least, that’s what I’m going to do for the rest of the day. I make no promises about tomorrow.