I cannot tell you how many times I’ve been bombarded with this writing-related question: 

“Patrick, how do I become a successful writer?” 

I cannot tell you how many times it’s happened because I’m positive the answer is zero. Sure you could read what experts like Anne Lamott or Stephen King have to say on the topic. But that seems like a lot of work. Even I’ve done a bit of pontificating on the subject before but never as succinctly as this. With the New Year, though, I’ve thought a great deal about how I would answer this question, the one that no one has ever asked.

In my contemplation, I’ve come up with 8 simple, easy-to-follow steps to put you on the fast track to success. If you follow these, with no deviation, I’m pretty sure you’ll be able to call yourself not only a writer, but a successful one in no time! 

Step 1: Make a Writing Plan

Make your writing plan first thing when you wake up, or better yet, the night before. Great writers are very disciplined. The best of the best work on their craft at least 3 to 7 hours a day, every day, no exception. When they’re sick, they write. When they’re busy, they write. When they’re dead, they continue to write. 

Carve out time in your schedule where you can sit and put down those words. If you have the same schedule every day, that should be easy enough. Either set your alarm early or stay up late. If you have to sacrifice sleep, no big deal. Van Gogh chopped off his ear for goodness sake. Surely you can navigate the world a little sleepy. 

If you have a variable schedule, don’t fret. Treat each day differently. Maybe your mornings are free. Maybe you have the middle of the day free. Maybe the evenings. Maybe it’s any one of the three. I’m sure if you look hard enough, you could find that 3-7 hours to write. Time management is the key. Just be disciplined. You’ve got this! 

Step 2: Find Where You’re Most Creative

Perhaps it’s JavaVino in Candler Park. That’s a good one. It’s quiet, clean, and has good vibes. Perhaps you’ve written more words there than anywhere else. Maybe you believe that your higher self prefers JavaVino and will not allow the muses to access you if you attempt to write in another location. 

Come to think of it, though, you have written at other places. For a while you worked a lot at the Ansley Mall Starbucks. You’ve also written at Hodge Podge and Dancing Goats at PCM, Aroma Coffee and Taproom. You’ve done the Little 5 Points Starbucks and the one near Trader Joe’s. You’ve also written at the Dancing Goats in Decatur and Java Monkey (RIP). When you’re near your mom’s you’ll go to ChocoLate. Oh, and don’t forget about Grant Park Coffee. There’s also Dulce Vegan and Joe’s. In a pinch, you’ve written at Inman Perk Coffee. 

So maybe it is possible to write in a location other than JavaVino, though that is the ideal. The great irony in this is that you designed your entire bedroom around a “writing corner,” complete with desk and a wall of inspiration. The trouble with having a writing corner near your bed is that the bed usually wins in a fight. So, stick with JavaVino. Or anywhere really. It doesn’t actually matter but I recommend spending a lot of time fixating on this topic. You’ve got this! 

Step 3: Gather Your Writing Equipment

Are you a computer person or a pen-and-paper person? Perhaps you’re a hipster and like a typewriter. Maybe you do well to dictate your writing into a voice memo which can then be transcribed later. It matters not how you do the writing, only that you do the writing. 

Now let’s say your plan was to coach your morning classes, then head straight to JavaVino for a few hours before you return for afternoon classes. Your alarm probably went off 3:50 a.m. Once at work, you realize you forgot your computer (aka writing implement). Be gentle with yourself. It was essentially the middle of the night when you were getting ready for the day. It’s not a big deal. You’ll just head back home after your morning classes, retrieve your computer, and rush over to JavaVino to get those words out. 

After a few hours of human interaction, you return home. Stay focused, you’re only there to get the computer and go. Boy, are you hungry though! You ate something a solid 5 hours ago. You should probably eat again because it’s hard to write on an empty stomach. JavaVino has a mean breakfast burrito but it’s better on your wallet to make something at home. 

So, you make a quick 6-course breakfast and then shower. Once you get out of the shower it hits you just how tired you are. It’s only mid-morning but that 3:50 a.m. alarm seems like ages ago. In fact, you are bone tired (is that an expression? If not, it should be). 

You rework your plan for the day a little. Be disciplined but also flexible. You’ve got this! 

Step 4: Nap

There’s both guilt and quilt involved in this. You fall into a scary, deep sleep, one where you basically travel to outer space. When your phone alarm goes off, you have no idea where or what you are. It’s been a little over an hour of sleep, but you crammed a whole lifetime in there. Time to go back to the day job. You’ve got this! 

Step 5: Return to work

You coach another class and it’s now 1:30. You’re tired again. Ignore the impulse to sleep. You have to do some writing in order to have a productive and meaningful day. But, also, you need to work out. If you don’t, you’re going to get diabetes, cancer, and Alzheimer’s, but worse than that, you’ll have flub on your body. You’re already disgusted with the flub you have. Every day you try to fight the flub, but cookies get in the way. As does pasta. And candy. And fruitcake (don’t judge). And entire loaves of bread. And Chinese take-out. And brownies. 

Yes, you must absolutely work out, you embarrassing flub monster. You’ve got this!  

Step 6: Work Out

It’s great. You feel strong and sweaty and tired. The hormones in your body do whatever hormones do. You’re less sad about the state of your life when you do fitness. Once you get home, it’s after 3 o’clock in the afternoon. You start to panic because you’ve been awake for almost 12 hours (minus that outer space nap) and haven’t written a single word.

You. Must. Write. 

It dawns on you that you don’t have time to go to JavaVino to write because you’re meeting a friend for coffee at 5 elsewhere. By the time you would get to JavaVino, you’d have maybe 30 minutes to write. That won’t do. Though not ideal, you’re going to have to write at home. It’s a frustration because, per Step 2, that’s not where you’re most creative. Again, you beat yourself up because you literally designed an entire bedroom to aid in the creative process. Whatever. It’s fine. Just open up your computer at the kitchen table. 

A completely blank page will be staring back at you. Try not to panic. This is a normal part of the process. Breathe through it. Just start moving your fingers across the keys. Type anything. Literally anything will do; you just need words on the page. You’ve got this!

Step 7: Check Your Email

Clearly you can’t focus because that inbox is a mess! All those unread and unorganized emails will keep the muses at bay. Sort through that shit. In fact, I’d recommend you whittle it down zero emails. It won’t take too long. 

HOLY GOD! THIS KITCHEN IS A DISASTER. 

You hadn’t noticed because you were so focused on clearing out your inbox but, seriously, this kitchen needs a quick wipe down. The last thing you want to do is piss off your house partner by being a slob. What if she kicks you out and you become homeless? It’s best to avoid that and clean the kitchen a little. Just go ahead and unload the dishwasher, load up the dirties, handwash the big dishes, wipe down the counters, scrub the stovetop, take out the trash, take out the recycling, throw away anything in that fridge that’s expired, pull out the oven and sweep back there, change out the water filter, and put a quick polish on your “special occasion” silver. 

Unfortunately, you now have to meet your friend in 30 minutes. That’s definitely not enough time to write. Don’t freak out. You’ll have a few hours once you get home to dig into your writing. Except you forgot that you’re meeting friends for dinner at 7 after you get coffee with your other friend at 5. It’s fine. You’ll have some time post-dinner to write. At least an hour, you’ll have at least a full hour. You’ve got this! 

Step 8: Go To Coffee, Go To Dinner, Then Get Home Around 9:30

You had a great time with friends. Gratitude fills your heart when you think about all the belly laughs and the incredible people in your life. 

But now it’s time to write. Seriously, you can’t stall any more. You’ve filled up your day with your survival job, commitments to other people, chores, and general time-wasting. You’ve prioritized everything except your craft, the reason you believe you’re on the planet. Okay so acting is the real reason you’re on the planet, but writing is a close second. Writing becomes more and more important as the years go by and your acting career continues to tank. In fact, let’s call it what it is: you’re a failed actor. You couldn’t cut it. It looks like you’re about to add “failed writer” to your list of accomplishments too.

Seriously, dude, you’re just taking up space. At age 30, you need to have some of this shit figured out. You’re too old for this. It’s embarrassing that you can’t find a fucking hour to sit down and scribe. That’s ridiculous. You’ve got flub, you’re broke, you’re single, and you have no career. Good job, motherfucker. I’m sure when your great-grandmother fled the Bolshevik revolution after watching her family get murdered or whatever, this was the vision she had for her descendants, you lazy millennial piece of garbage. 

After this long and dark pity spiral, it’s well past 10 o’clock and certainly time for bed. The mood is a little dark now, so you read a page or two of a novel before passing out. Perhaps you’ll get some writing done tomorrow. You’ve got this! 

Recap

So there you have it. My 8 Steps to Becoming a Successful Writer! Again, I’d like to reiterate that following these, in order, with precision, is the best way to assure yourself some success in this crazy but fulfilling career. Let’s review:

Step 1: Make a writing plan

Step 2: Find a creative space

Step 3: Gather your writing equipment

Step 4: Nap

Step 5: Work your survival job

Step 6: Work out

Step 7: Check your email

Step 8: Go to coffee, go out to dinner, have a pity spiral before going to bed

Good luck! And let me know how it goes for you. You’ve got this!